SHALOM TIGER MOM

First the fluff… (like a warm up act… or a good appetizer…try the chopped liver…)

I wanted to call this blog Kneidlach Momma, but I didn’t want to get barraged by posts asking (1) What is a kneidlach? (2) Correcting the spelling of kneidlach, and  (3) offering their bubbie’s recipe for kneidlach. So I went with the more clichéd matzo ball.  Sue me. Now on to the good stuff….

Enough with the Tiger Mom.  You think the woman was the first mother ever to value education, hard work and sacrifice? Please. You think the abundance of Jewish doctors is because little boys with skullcaps like to grow up to be big boys with surgical caps? You think Jewish boys have a natural talent for healing, and an affinity for germs and bacteria?  Don’t make me laugh.  And what about the preponderance of Jewish lawyers? You think Jewish kids grow up arguing, and negotiating? (Well maybe we forget lawyers).  My point is Jewish families have always valued education.  They’ve always set their sights high.  But back in the day august institutions like Harvard and Yale were “member only” clubs.  Jewish boys settled for Hunter College, Brooklyn College, and NYU. And they were glad to get degrees. As were their parents.  Education was important, but it was a means to an end.  That end being the medical degree or the Juris Doctorate.  The SP class (“SP” for special, back when special meant special in a good way) was just the start of the long haul to medical school or law school.

Don’t take my word for it.  Look to the culture and the jokes the culture creates for a peak behind the curtain. Q: In Jewish tradition, when is the fetus viable?  A: When it finishes medical school.

We raised our children emphasizing the importance of education and the value of hard work.  Did we write books about parenting?  Do we get offers from Hollywood? No, we get jokes told about us.  That’s okay we can take it.  It’s part of the sacrifice.

And that’s part of what irks me.  We, the parents sacrificed so that our kids could have a better life.  But today it seems we ask our kids to make the sacrifice. So that they will have a better life.  Which begs the question: Is the sacrifice worth it? Do they indeed have a better life. 

Like many a Jew I’m good at asking questions, and to the frustration of all our gentile friends we’re not so good at answering them.  Indeed we answer many a question with another question. (Why do Jews answer a question with a question? Why shouldn’t we?  But I digress). 

Is the sacrifice worth it? Does achievement lead to a better life? Perhaps the answer lies within this (forgive me) question. Is Tiger Woods happy? Once we would have thought the most accomplished golfer in history was truly happy. Why wouldn’t he be happy? What could Tiger want out of life that he doesn’t have. Truly his sacrifice was all worth it.  But now it doesn’t seem so certain. Running around (literally and figuratively) is not the sign of a happy person. Crashing your car and dodging a swinging nine iron are not the actions of a happy person. 

So I imagine the debate will continue.  But whereas the learned Rabbis of yesterday and today can endlessly debate theological issues, the Jewish mothers have to be decisive and act.  Yes, we can debate the attributes of the perfect matzo ball, or the precise technique for the best brisket, but when push comes to shove, the matzo meal has to be measured and the oven temp has to be set. Jewish mothers have to be decisive, there’s no debate, no wishy washy maybe yes maybe no, and there's certainly none of the, yes but on the other hands.  We make decisions and our whole family lives by them. And so here it is sweet and simple:

Success does not equal Happiness.  All your money, all your achievements, all your prestige does not guarantee a happy life. But happy is happy. 

You tiger moms and tiger mom want to be’s truly want to sacrifice? Then give up the dream of excellence. Don’t live vicariously through your children. Give up the fallacy that when you’re the best you’re the happiest. That’s true sacrifice.

(Learn a little from us, please. You think all our sons the doctors are happy? You think maybe if they had a job at a better hospital they would be more happy?  If they had a bigger practice they would have maybe a better more loving wife? Here’s a clue…Who do you think made psychoanalysis a household word…It wasn’t the gentiles.)

Darlings, remember, please:

Success is not happiness. Happiness is Happiness.

(And bubeleh, call me when you read this…I’ll wait up…you don’t want I should worry.)